Gender is not what people look like to other people; it is what we know ourselves to be. No one else should be able to tell you who you are; that’s for you to decide yourself. 45
The author is a gender non-conforming person, which I believe means that they identify as a man or woman, but their behavior, mannerisms, or dress may not conform with expectations of being a median/prototypical/stereotypical man or woman.
Vaid-Menon argues that the notion of a gender binary (you are either a man or a woman) is harmful to non-binary people (who don’t identify as male or female), to gender non-conforming people (who identify as male or female but behave differently than anticipated for their gender), and to the general population who may have more traditional or conventional gender identities (I’m a man, I’m a woman).
Vaid-Menon argues that the notion of a gender binary leads people who are non-binary or non-conforming to be oppressed and bullied. It constrains notions of proper behavior in arbitrary and harmful ways.
I place this book in a cluster with two other recent reads: The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self, and Life at the Bottom. Those two books discuss the changes in social norms, and Rise focuses more specifically on sexuality and gender.
The current book is against the gender binary, and in that sense is more progressive or liberal than the other works. It advocates for a very modern notion of self-determination, where how you feel inside is the final determining factor of your identity:
Gender is not what people look like to other people; it is what we know ourselves to be. No one else should be able to tell you who you are; that’s for you to decide yourself. 45
This really captures the modern self that’s described in “Rise and Triumph”. In older conceptions of self, your identity was more something that was given to you by your environment, now it’s more of something you construct.
The most convincing part of the book is the argument to treat people well:
The world we want is one in which all people, regardless of their appearances, are treated with dignity and respect—one in which these factors do not have a bearing on safety, employment, and opportunity. 59
And the author’s account of how awful it is when people are mistreated due to their gender identity are terrible:
Boy’s spaces traumatized me because they were where I experienced the most harassment. I didn’t go to the restroom in middle school and high school because I was so afraid. As soon as I got home, I would rush to the toilet. … I was bullied everywhere, and it never stopped. It seemed so all consuming, like there was no escape. 22
Vaid-Menon discusses power, asserting that the maintenance of the gender binary is about power:
The assumption is that being a masculine man or a feminine woman is normal and that being us is an accessory. Like if you remove our clothing, our makeup, and our pronouns, underneath we are just men and women playing dress up. The scrutiny on our bodies distracts us from what’s really going on here: control. The emphasis on our appearance distracts us from the real focus: power. 17
So they seem to suggest that the notion of the gender binary is about naked power and control, but the idea isn’t really explored. They seem to suggest that it’s a use of power, so it’s bad. Or maybe, it’s bad, so it involves power and control.
They advocate for personal control and power over gender identity, so all power and control is not bad in that sense. It’s a very short book, so maybe you can excuse it for that reason.
The author also argues that tolerance is not enough, that society should move to acceptance:
So people might tolerate the existence of gender non-conforming people, but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. Tolerance is always about maintaining distance: “This is about something over that that doesn’t concern me.” Acceptance, on the other hand, is about integrating difference into your own life: “This is about something that I’m a part of, and I need to learn more to better help.”
On some level this seems unobjectionable: wouldn’t acceptance obviously be better than tolerance? But acceptance seems easy when you’re already convinced your side is right. How would the author feel if a conservative supporter of a more rigid gender binary argued that they should not only tolerate them, but accept them?
Nassim Taleb tweeted: Being tolerant with the intolerant is an act of intolerance.
And wrote in an essay:
So, we need to be more than intolerant with some intolerant minorities. It is not permissible to use “American values” or “Western principles” in treating intolerant Salafism (which denies other peoples’ right to have their own religion).
So maybe the author would be right to only advocate tolerance in one direction.
I do think there’s more to the story. Outside of the culture war context, outside of the horrible experiences of bullying that Vaid-Menon had, I think there’s also a more prosaic explanation for the gender binary.
The median man and woman do have some tendencies that make statements about men and women at the population level meaningful. At the population level people have behavioral tendencies and physical traits that differentiate them. And cultural norms can contribute to this. To frame it so heavily as “power and control” without acknowledging other contributors seemed limited, but understandable if that’s been your personal experience.
I’m afraid my reflection is nearly as long as the book itself.
Amazon Link
Idea Density low
Related Books – “Rise and Triumph”, “Life at the Bottom”
Recommend to others: no
Reread personally: no
Quotes
The gender binary is a cultural belief that there are only two distinct and opposite genders: man and woman. This belief is upheld by a system of power that exists to create conflict and division, not to celebrate creativity and diversity. 5
The assumption is that being a masculine man or a feminine woman is normal and that being us is an accessory. Like if you remove our clothing, our makeup, and our pronouns, underneath we are just men and women playing dress up. The scrutiny on our bodies distracts us from what’s really going on here: control. The emphasis on our appearance distracts us from the real focus: power. 17
Boy’s spaces traumatized me because they were where I experienced the most harassment. I didn’t go to the restroom in middle school and high school because I was so afraid. As soon as I got home, I would rush to the toilet. … I was bullied everywhere, and it never stopped. It seemed so all consuming, like there was no escape. 22
We forget that there is more variety within the categories of women and men than between them. 31
So people might tolerate the existence of gender non-conforming people, but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. Tolerance is always about maintaining distance: “This is about something over that that doesn’t concern me.” Acceptance, on the other hand, is about integrating difference into your own life: “This is about something that I’m a part of, and I need to learn more to better help.”
Gender is not what people look like to other people; it is what we know ourselves to be. No one else should be able to tell you who you are; that’s for you to decide yourself. 45
The world we want is one in which all people, regardless of their appearances, are treated with dignity and respect—one in which these factors do not have a bearing on safety, employment, and opportunity. 59
We spend so much time trying to make other people comfortable that oftentimes we don’t even know what makes us happy. 62
The Digital Sauna 