Loving What Is by Byron Katie, 2003

Loving What Is by Byron Katie, 2003

Featured Quote

In reality, there is no such thing as a “should” or a “shouldn’t”.  these are only thoughts that we impose on to reality. 66

Date completed: Jan 23, 2024

Amazon Link

Summary

Katie argues that suffering is the result of fighting against reality, or believing the thoughts and stories our mind creates without examining them. 

If you think a thing shouldn’t have happened, well, too bad.  It did happen.  Struggling against it makes you suffer.

Or you might make up a story about a thing: they didn’t call, so they hate me.  They didn’t call.  That’s the truth.  But your story is making you suffer.

Katie gives a procedure for how to accept reality and to examine your thoughts and stories with the goal of reducing summary. 

You can get a flavor of the technique by reading the quotes and notes below.  

I liked the book.  Sometimes the conclusions her technique reaches seem insane, or victim-blaming, or hard to swallow.  But I’ve read and heard enough in meditation talks and books that goes along with her ideas that I’m not shocked or put off, and I think there’s something to it.  Glancing at one-star Amazon reviews, it seems like lots of readers were shocked or enraged or disappointed.  

It seems like she had a sudden moment when her relationship to reality and her thoughts shifted, which seems sort of similar to other accounts of awakening (in the sense of enlightenment or Buddhist attainment).  So I don’t know if having that instant breakthrough makes her approach only work for her, or if it would work with people on a gradual path.  This is a known dichotomy in approaches to meditation: sudden insight or a gradual path. 

In any case, I haven’t had much luck with sudden insight (with some effort in years past, not recently).  So I like that these exercises can be done more intellectually, with pen and paper.  Many meditation instructions are sometimes nonsense or impossible for me, like being asked to jump to the moon. 

Writing in response to prompts and questions is something I have a better grasp on, so maybe this would be a better tool for me.  

Review

Idea Density

Related Books

Recommend to others: probably

Reread personally: probably not, better to spend time doing the exercises

Quotes

The reason I made friends with the wind – with reality – is that I discovered I didn’t have a choice. I realized that it’s quite insane to oppose it. when I argue with reality, I lose – but only 100% of the time . 2

I realized that every time in my life that I had felt hurt or lonely, I had been in someone else’s business. 3

Thoughts just appear. they come out of nothing and go back to nothing, like clouds moving across the empty sky. they come to pass, not to stay. there’s no harm in them until we attach to them as if they were true. 4

Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. this hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward.  10

We don’t have to wait for our children to change before we can be happy. we may even come to discover that the very situation we dislike is what we’ve been looking for – the entrance into ourselves. 29

You tell the story of how they invited you, and this story makes you happy. or you tell the story of how they don’t invite you, and the story makes you sad. nothing is happening but your story. and yet you believe it’s their action or nonaction that causes your emotions. 32

If someone says,” come walk on my path, it’s beautiful,”  all I hear is that they love me with all their heart and want to give me what they see as beautiful. it just doesn’t always happen to be my way. it certainly equal to mine, though. and I love it that their way works for them and brings them happiness. 61

In reality, there is no such thing as a “should” or a “shouldn’t”.  these are only thoughts that we impose on to reality. 66

Summary of 14:

Judge your neighbor:

Who angers or saddens or disappoints you?  What do they do that you don’t like?

How do you want them to change, what do you want tthem to do?

What is it they should or shouldn’t be, do, think, or feel?

Do you need anything from them?  What do they need to do or give to make you happy?

What do you think of them?  Make a list.

What is it that you don’t ever want to experience with that person, thing, or situation again? 

Summary of 65-85:

Is it true? 

What’s the truth or reality 

Whose business is it?

Can I absolutely know it’s true?

It’s true and I interpret it to mean _____

What’s the “should”?

What would you have if reality obeyed your wishes?

What’s the worst that could happen if it’s true?

What specific proof do you have that it’s true? What are the underlying beliefs around those proofs? 

How do you react when you think that thought?

Can you see a reason to drop that thought?

Can you see a stress-free reason to keep that thought?

Who would you be without the thought?

Turnaround

Turn it around to yourself 

Turn it around to the other 

Turn it around to the opposite 

I’m willing to / I look forward to 

I would notice thoughts like “ people should be more loving,”  and I would see that they caused a feeling of uneasiness. I noticed that prior to the thought, there was peace. my mind was quiet and Serene. there was no stress, no disturbing physical reaction. this is who I am without my story. then, in the Stillness of awareness, I began to notice the feelings that came from believing or attaching to the thought. and in the stillness, I could see that if I were to believe the thought, the result would be a feeling of unease and sadness. 72

As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “ out there” -As long as you think that anyone or anything else is responsible for your suffering – the situation is hopeless. 76

…He can guide you to the things you really do want to look at. if you go to a friend and say, “ oh, my uncle has treated me so badly,”  your friend will say,” you poor fellow, that’s really a shame.” what I say is, find an enemy. they won’t give you that sympathy. you go to your friends for refuge, because you can count on them to agree with your stories. but when you go to your enemies, they’ll tell you, straight up, anything you want to know, even though you may think you don’t want to know it. your uncle can give you material that’s invaluable, if you really want to know the truth. until you do, you have to resent your uncle .107-8

They ignore me when I ask them to put their things away.

 children should respect adults.

 people should respect me.

 people should follow my directions.

 my direction is best for other people.

 if someone ignores me, that means they don’t respect me. 134

The turnaround: my life should not have a purpose. that would mean that what I’ve lived has always been enough, and I just haven’t recognized it. 136

Without this stressful thinking, you wouldn’t make the right decision – can you really know that that’s true? 

It seems that quite the opposite would be true.  154

I don’t let go of my Concepts – I meet them with understanding, then they let go of me. 161

What fun, having nowhere to go but where we really are now.  185

God, spare me from seeking love, approval, or appreciation. Amen. 206

That’s usually why people don’t apologize, it’s just too painful to face what they’ve done. they’re not ready yet. 211

Favorite Books of 2023

Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan

Die With Zero by Bill Perkins

The New Leviathans by John Gray

I feel the books I read this year didn’t engage or impact me as much as years past. ”Small Things” was gripping. ”Die With Zero” was a good source of perspective and self-questioning. ”The New Leviathans” was interesting and chock full of ideas, hard to summarize, what did I come away knowing? 

I feel like part of the issue with engagement and retention of books is that my brain is fried from too much screentime and context switching.

(search on this site for notes and quotes from these books)

The Simple Path to Wealth by J.L. Collins, 2016

“Spend less than you earn – invest the surplus – avoid debt” 2

Date completed: December 2023

Amazon Link

Collins gives recommendations for building wealth, which will allow you much greater freedom and flexibility in life.

The key ideas: pay off and avoid debt, spend less than you earn, and invest heavily in low-cost Vanguard index funds. 

It’s a pretty enjoyable and accessible read.  The logic is all pretty straightforward.  The biggest assumption is that the stock market will keep growing like it has for the past 140 years.  There’s also a psychological factor: the market does go up and down.  Many people will lose tons of their net worth during these downturns, and then sell their holdings when prices are lowest. 

I found his framing of “using money to buy things” versus “using money to earn money” pretty motivating.  Are you trading future freedom and flexibility for garbage spending in the present? 

However, this view should be balanced against the case presented in Die With Zero by Bill Perkins, where he encourages people not to just compound all their money until they are too old to have fun with it and to use it to finance their projects and dreams. 

Very good to see both sides, and to come away confused about what to do.  You should probably have doubts and confusion about some of these questions.  But some of the things suggested in this book (get better returns for lower fees with index funds compared to managed funds), does make it seem like there are some things you can be clear about.

The investment advice here matches some other recent reads, making me thing there’s something to it.

Idea Density – relatively low

Related Books – The Little Book of Commonsense Investing by John Bogle, Die With Zero by Bill Perkins

Recommend to others: probably, if you haven’t thought these things before

Reread personally: no, read others on the topic

Quotes

“Spend less than you earn – invest the surplus – avoid debt” 2

Money can buy many things, but nothing more valuable than your freedom

Life Choices are not always about the money, but you should always be clear about the financial impact of the choices you make

The greater percent of your income you save and invest, the sooner you’ll have f*** you money

When you can live on 4% of your Investments per year, you are financially independent 

(above: pages 2 and 3) 

Stop thinking about what your money can buy. start thinking about what your money can earn. and then think about what the money it earns can earn. once you begin to do this, you’ll start to see that when you spend money, not only is that money gone forever, the money it might have earned is gone as well. and so on 41

[Say you want to buy a car for $20,000]  at 8%, $20,000 earns $1,600 per year. so you’re $20,000 car actually cost you $21,600. …But that’s just in the first year, and you are suffering this opportunity cost every year. over the 10 years you might own the car, that’s 10 * 1600: $16,000. now you’re $20,000 car is up to $36,000 42 [obviously you need a car and get benefits, just consider what the real costs might be]

The three tools: Vanguard Total stock market index fund;  Vanguard Total Bond market index fund;  cash.  cash is good to have around to cover routine expenses and to meet emergencies. cash is also king during times of deflation. 88-89

A portfolio of 100% stocks in study after study provides the greatest return over time. however if you are not tough enough to stay the course or if you get scared and bail when the storms are raging, you are going to drown.

 as an aside, there are studies that indicate holding a 10 to 25% position in bonds with 75% to 90% stocks will actually very slightly outperform a position holding 100% stocks. it is also slightly less volatile. 108

In retirement he does 75% stocks, 20% bonds, and 5% cash 110

Be careful not to buy more vtsax in your ira, or any other of your investment accounts, within 30 days of selling. if you do, the IRS will consider this a “wash sale” and your tax loss would be negated 117

In each case they are the “ Admiral shares”  version of those portfolios. as such they have Rock Bottom expense ratios, but also require a minimum investment of $10,000 127

Fund 401K type plans to the full employer match

2)  fully fund a Roth if your income is low enough that you are paying little or no income tax

3)  once your income tax rate rises, fully fund a deductible Ira rather than the Roth

4)  keep the Roth you started and just let it grow

150-1

Problems with dollar cost averaging, if you are sitting on considerable cash:  odds of Market dropping in any given year are 23%, odds of Market going up in a year are 77%;  in some sense dollar cost averaging is just timing the market which is impossible;  it screws up your asset allocation because you are holding too much cash; Once you reach the end of your dca. and are fully invested, you run the same risk of the market plunging the day after you are done 194-5

Quiet Street by Nick McDonnell, 2023

Amazon Link

McDonnell discusses his experiences growing up in the New York one percent—attending elite schools, going on exotic vacations, being taught the necessary manners and traditions of his class.   

He argues that the elite system is necessarily abusive and its existence depends on the submission of the underclass.  As a group, the elite actively takes steps to inculcate certain abilities and traits to make sure their kids can maintain their elite positions.  Members of the elite network to stay on top, by providing access to good schools, jobs, internships, avoiding legal trouble, and making introductions.  Other people might be more talented or deserving, but lack the connections.

Quiet Street focuses on the one percent, but the book Unequal Childhoods makes a strong case that similar things happen across the class spectrum: middle class parents teach their children certain behaviors that will serve them and cement them in the middle class.  Lower class parents aren’t members of the same professional or community groups, and don’t make the introductions, or teach middle class norms.  

McDonnell mentions that many Americans would be in the global one percent by earnings, but he doesn’t blame them for taking steps to retain their positions.  The elite are portrayed as much more calculating, intentional, and self-serving in this regard.    

It seems to me that most people, across classes, survey the local environment and try to get what they can for themselves and their families, attempting to give their kids useful skills, leveraging institutional  and family connections, etc.  Leveraging access to power seems universal:

“…I sometimes found it useful to mention that I had met Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, when we were freshmen, thereby establishing my proximity to power.  This tendency, of which I was not proud, was not mine alone.” 42

Most people didn’t have access to Zuckerberg, but would probably be quick to flaunt it if they did. 

There seems to be a vague suggestion throughout that the one percent are responsible for the most wretched things that happen.  At some level, it seems this must be true: presidents, generals, and kings declare war.  But does that mean his classmates at elite schools, young children, are somehow responsible for those types of events?

He discusses an expensive boat trip:

“Such trips and follies were too expensive for anyone but one percenters to undertake.  They cost more than the plane ticket, the boat, the gas, the expedition fee.  There were other prices, vast costs—genocide, rape, pillage—borne by whole other communities that, by the end of their educations, one percenters knew about but often ignored or spun to their advantage.  Thus a white family not only kept a boat to ferry guests to its camp on an island off the coast of Kenya, it employed a Maasai guy who had been living there, taking care of the place…” 43

Here the connection is so nebulous.  He was on a boat trip with a wealthy family.  I can see some relatively straightforward criticisms: they should use that money to help people; the trip caused lots of unnecessary carbon emissions. 

How, exactly, was this boating trip related to genocide, rape, and pillage?  If you suggest a connection between someone’s present-day actions and horrific past crimes, I think you owe it to the reader—not to mention the family who’s being vaguely connected to atrocities—to make the connection very explicit.

At one point in the book he discusses an acquaintance who became a Navy Seal, who, presenting at their fancy childhood school, declines to discuss what it’s like to kill someone.  Here’s a person that was (presumably) directly involved in the act of killing, not at some abstract level (like the boat story above).  But there’s no reference to genocide, rape, or pillage here.

In the discussion of the Navy Seal, he says:

“Soldiering was a meritocratic, perhaps the most meritocratic, vocation.  …And yet every rich person I knew who joined the military had an extraordinary career…” 51

Perhaps I’m naïve, but I was under the impression that elite military units like Seals would actually be meritocratic.  Had all of the elite training, the pressure to be a leader, the pressure to achieve actually made this person capable enough to become a Seal?    

It’s a short book, with perhaps some insights into elite NYC life that you may find interesting.  But the arguments that the elite are unique in fighting to retain their status, and unique in their connection to unethical behavior, didn’t strike me as particularly strong.   

Related Books  Unequal Childhoods

Recommend to others: no

Reread personally: no

Quotes

Such trips and follies were too expensive for anyone but one percenters to undertake.  They cost more than the plane ticket, the boat, the gas, the expedition fee.  There were other prices, bast costs—genocide, rape, pillage—borne by whole other communities that, by the end of their educations, one percenters knew about but often ignored or spun to their advantage. 43

…I sometimes found it useful to mention that I had met Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, when we were freshmen, thereby establishing my proximity to power.  This tendency, of which I was not proud, was not mine alone. 42